PROMSTUCK: A Homestuck Fan Adventure. (With Prom)
Enter name.

Your name is KARKAT VANTAS and your LIFE IS OVER. AGAIN.

Senior prom. Many a romcom has assured you that this is the highpoint of your natural life, and that after this your happiness will hit the road, Jack. Youth, innocence and joy will be tossed down the gaper. You will be left to moulder at the top shelf of life’s pantry, sort of like an abandoned taco kit.

It was also the last shot you ever have of winning the affections of the LOVE OF YOUR LIFE: the ANGEL OF YOUR MORNING, the SYRUP TO YOUR PANCAKES, your SIN, your SOUL, your PALHONCHO, your AMIGOLORD.

Your DRUM MAJOR.

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==>

You have basically been in love with John Egbert since junior high and are continually stymied by his UTTER STUPIDITY and BULLSHIT “HETEROSEXUALITY.” You care about him so much that the sensation is akin to a severe intestinal infection. He is the most beautiful and irritating carbon-based lifeform to inhabit any universe. John is your best friend and chronic prom date and you make one hell of a team, despite both odds and logic. Nobody fucks with you two.

At this moment you should be paldancing with him like he wanted. Are you?

No. No, you goddamn tool, because you’re FOREVVER ALONE.

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—SHOW PROM LOG—

kar this is it

WHAT.

wwere completely wwashed up

this is the last prom wwe are evver goin to partake in and wwe couldnt get our act together evven after all a these years

all endin up on the couch again wwith a tiny bottle a gatorade and a wwhole can a strawwberry quik cause wwe cant evven find the icecream through our miserable glubbin tears

all eatin it dry wwith a spoon

FIRSTLY: DO NOT LUMP ME IN WITH THE SPECTACULAR BUTTFLIP YOU HAVE MADE OF YOUR PERSONAL LIFE. SECONDLY: SHUT UP.

You hate it when Eridan is remotely right about anything.

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Eridan is kind of your bro, when all is said and done. He is also supremely whiny but he’s been there for you through thick, thin and Terezi, so he might be a NEEDY FISHY HIPSTER COLOR GUARD DICK but he’s YOUR NEEDY FISHY HIPSTER COLOR GUARD DICK. You two are sharing the bitter, Faygo-tasting swill they call loneliness, but it’s better than chugging alone.

—SHOW PROM LOG—

kar do you remember the middle school promise you made

THE SCLERA-PEELING EYESORES PASSING FOR SENIOR PROM DECORATION HAVE REMOVED ALL HORRIBLE HORSESHIT FROM MY IMMEDIATE MEMORY. SO YOU PROBABLY, UH, CAN’T HOLD ME TO ANYTHING, CONSIDERING THA

kar you said if wwe both ended up ten swweeps and didnt net anyone and john didnt notice you wwere alivve on account a him bein a bassinine nooksuck like you said wwe should take the plunge and just get

together

The situation is swiftly going critical.

=> KARKAT: SURVEY SHITHOLE.

=> KARKAT: SURVEY SHITHOLE.

There he is, mashing his body up against the unscrupulous A-cup villainy of Vriska Serket’s. They dance like two weasels massaging their hips together. Also, the weasels are drunk.

This would be more unbearable if she wasn’t his moirail, but she still feeds off his attention like an emotional Rainbow Drinker (no offense to other moirails you know). It is a situation completely different and not at all comparable to how you like to hang out with John.

Seriously, that’s practically an act of charity. It is you flinging yourself on a blathering Egbert grenade, saving civilians from having to listen to the latest deep-text interpretation of Moonstruck. Fucking heroism itself!

I mean, you like Moonstruck way more than Vriska does.

YOU’RE NOT JEALOUS

=> CONTINUE SURVEYANCE 

=> CONTINUE SURVEYANCE

Over at the refreshments table the AHS Prom Committee has provided an exquisite libation of pink shit.

The watchful vanguards of the dancefloor have set up in front. This consists of MS. LALONDE, a woman as curvaceous and cunning as she is DRUNK. She is arm in arm with MR. EGBERT, known to you colloquially as JOHN’S DAD.

An hour ago John demanded his Dad take prom polaroids of you both that were more “bromantic!” and “palssionate!”. He then re-tied your tie thirteen times. Mr. Egbert proceeded to present a cake bearing the legend:

CONGRATULATIONS ON THE LAST DANCE WITH YOUR CLOSE PLATONIC FRIEND

You can’t believe he fit all that on. The man is a true icing gymnast.

=> CONTINUE PERUSING PROM PURGATORY

=> CONTINUE PERUSING PROM PURGATORY

Speaking of purgatory: there she is, the middle school love of your life. All five foot two inches of her grinding her glacier sharp hips into every guy and girl on the dance floor like she’s trying to saw them off at the midpoint. Her tongue lolls out from between her serrated teeth. Ominously.

Suddenly she’s looking (smelling!) right at you!

=> KARKAT: FUCKING ABSCOND 

=> KARKAT: FUCKING ABSCOND

You cannot abscond because Eridan is holding your wrist so sweetly and so gently.

— SHOW PROM LOG —

H4H4H4, LOOK1NG “COOL” K4RK4T.

GO AWAY.

YOU SHOULD COM3 D4NC3 W1TH M3!

FUCK NO. I DON’T THINK I’VE GROWN SKIN BACK ON MY STOMACH FROM THE LAST TIME YOU GOT YOUR CLAWS INTO ME AT ONE OF THESE ASININE EVENTS.

BESIDES, WHAT ABOUT STRIDER?

Strider is leaning against the far wall, near the punch and trail mix. He looks devastatingly cool. It makes you sick.

—SHOW PROM LOG—

D4V3 4ND 1 H4V3 4N “OP3N PROM R3L4T1ONSH1P” H3H3H3.

ill dance wwith you rez

UH 4CTU4LLY ON S3COND THOUGHT 1 H4V3 4 F3W “TH1NGS” TO T4K3 C4R3 OF.

H3H3H3H3.

UGH. YOU ARE CACKLING EVEN MORE THAN USUAL. WHAT ARE YOU UP TO?

OH, “NOTH1NG”.

Her grin suggests that it is most certainly not “nothing”. The fact that she makes air quotes around the word doesn’t help.

UH HUH.

4NYW4YS, WH3NS K4N4Y4 G3TT1NG H3R3?

=> KARKAT: DIVINE LOCATION OF MOIRAIL

=>KARKAT: DIVINE THE LOCATION OF YOUR MOIRAIL

You do not fucking know the location of your moirail! Where is she in your hour of need!?!?!?

—SHOW PROM LOG—

WHO KNOWS? I ESTIMATE SHE’LL ARRIVE WHEN SHE HAS FINISHED STRIP-MINING LALONDE’S ADENOIDS. AT SOME POINT SHE WILL DIMLY REMEMBER THE BOY CALLED ‘KARKAT’, A POOR SOUL SUFFERING IN THE ABSENCE OF HER PALEST OF MINISTRATIONS.

AT THAT POINT I IMAGINE SHE WILL SHRUG NONCHALANTLY AND CONTINUE EXPLORING THE MYSTERIES OF THE FEMALE HUMAN BODY WITHOUT PAUSE OR HEED FOR MY VERY REAL SUFFERING!

 … SO TH4TS 4 NO?

=> KARKAT: STARE FLATLY. 

=>KARKAT: STARE FLATLY.

 Terezi shrugs and bids you farewell kind of flippantly, grinding her way across the dancefloor towards her insufferable prick of a boyfriend.

That conversation was completely pointless! And Eridan…

… is still holding your wrist. His gaze is turning wistful. You might even caution to call it… HOPEFUL.

*** OH GOD OH MAN OH GOD *** *** CRISIS MODE!!! PRESS A PRESS A ***

Egbert and Vriska are now mulching their bodies together in a grotesque homage to Dirty Dancing, though apparently John’s lost the argument and is having to be Jennifer Grey. As for you, asshole? You’ve crashed on Eridan Commitment Mountain, and night is falling fast.

=> KARKAT: Contemplate an act of desperation so deep and unfathomable as to be unspeakable in order to draw Egbert’s attention.